Courage

So I have been thinking a lot since coming to Nunavut... there is one major issue that I found I need to work on... courage. I hope that my time in the North will change my self-opinion to include courage, strength, and a realistic understanding of my self worth... Heavy stuff eh? I guess that while I am writing this, I am also realizing that I need to explain it to myself, so that I can better understand it. So here is an example. I have a crush and I could never ever tell them that I have a crush... for many reasons. There are some pretty obvious reasons and then there are other reasons. One of which is that I am afraid that they will only see my outside. I am a big big girl. I am sad about this, have come to an understanding of how it happened, and am taking all the right steps for dieting, exercize and positive reinforcement... I have made some big changes since coming to NU and know there are more to come... when I come back to NS in the summer LOOKOUTTTTT! I will be a hot tamalie! However, I also don't want to be a skinny girl that people just want to know, just because of what I am on the outside. So I am in conflict with myself. I want to be loved as I am, but would never have the courage to put myself out there with the way I am right now. I have almost told my crush that I am crushing a couple times, but always ALWAYS chicken out. I feel like a stupid teenager.
I have spent much of my life loving people who don't want to be loved or who can not handle how intensely I love. I am not crazy in a relationship, but I am also not afraid to share my heart with a partner. I listen to a lot of music and find comfort and hope and sadness all entrenched in the words of the songs... like "can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt. Or beautiful songs of love and the hope for love, like "ready for love" by india.arie or Boyz 2 Men songs... I kinda got off track here talking about music, but the point I am trying to explain to myself is that I don't think that I deserve to be with someone who I idealize in my mind. My crush is so perfect. So funny. So attractive. So passionate. So brave. Why is it that I feel that I am not good enough??? WHY? I have a great career, an amazing child, I am a good friend and good daughter / sister and auntie. I am passionate and a good listener. I can be very romantic and am always loving.
I see the major disconnect in my courage. I have let things railroad me for a long long time and somewhere along the way I lost my courage. I want it back. I am starting out in this process, but find myself extremely frustrated already with how slow change happens - even if I make 100 little changes, it will take a long time to feel the impact... I know I want to reach my end goal of finding my courage... however, in the mean time I continue to dream. I dream out how things would happen, what I would say, what the other would say and how much it would make me cry to feel their arms around me and how safe I would feel if they felt the same about me. Someday I will feel this way, maybe not with my crush, but with someone who is as spectacular.