Courage

So I have been thinking a lot since coming to Nunavut... there is one major issue that I found I need to work on... courage. I hope that my time in the North will change my self-opinion to include courage, strength, and a realistic understanding of my self worth... Heavy stuff eh? I guess that while I am writing this, I am also realizing that I need to explain it to myself, so that I can better understand it. So here is an example. I have a crush and I could never ever tell them that I have a crush... for many reasons. There are some pretty obvious reasons and then there are other reasons. One of which is that I am afraid that they will only see my outside. I am a big big girl. I am sad about this, have come to an understanding of how it happened, and am taking all the right steps for dieting, exercize and positive reinforcement... I have made some big changes since coming to NU and know there are more to come... when I come back to NS in the summer LOOKOUTTTTT! I will be a hot tamalie! However, I also don't want to be a skinny girl that people just want to know, just because of what I am on the outside. So I am in conflict with myself. I want to be loved as I am, but would never have the courage to put myself out there with the way I am right now. I have almost told my crush that I am crushing a couple times, but always ALWAYS chicken out. I feel like a stupid teenager.
I have spent much of my life loving people who don't want to be loved or who can not handle how intensely I love. I am not crazy in a relationship, but I am also not afraid to share my heart with a partner. I listen to a lot of music and find comfort and hope and sadness all entrenched in the words of the songs... like "can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt. Or beautiful songs of love and the hope for love, like "ready for love" by india.arie or Boyz 2 Men songs... I kinda got off track here talking about music, but the point I am trying to explain to myself is that I don't think that I deserve to be with someone who I idealize in my mind. My crush is so perfect. So funny. So attractive. So passionate. So brave. Why is it that I feel that I am not good enough??? WHY? I have a great career, an amazing child, I am a good friend and good daughter / sister and auntie. I am passionate and a good listener. I can be very romantic and am always loving.
I see the major disconnect in my courage. I have let things railroad me for a long long time and somewhere along the way I lost my courage. I want it back. I am starting out in this process, but find myself extremely frustrated already with how slow change happens - even if I make 100 little changes, it will take a long time to feel the impact... I know I want to reach my end goal of finding my courage... however, in the mean time I continue to dream. I dream out how things would happen, what I would say, what the other would say and how much it would make me cry to feel their arms around me and how safe I would feel if they felt the same about me. Someday I will feel this way, maybe not with my crush, but with someone who is as spectacular.

Christmas Bazaar

Yesterday was the Christmas Bazaar in Cambridge Bay. It was great! I got a few special things for some special people! There was a beautiful pair of beaver skin mitts, that were dyed different colors. The fit perfectly and were soooo cozy. However, they were 200.00... so I didn't buy them. I am regretful now... I wish I did!

So this week the temperature is going to go wayyyy down... it has been very warm here in comparison to what it has been in previous years... makes me sad to think that global warming is having such an impact and no one realizes the damage to the North :(

I have been meeting lots of new people and am on the Board of Directors for Ellyott's daycare. I am starting to make some great new friends and cook a lot of meals for people! I love to cook and to entertain! Ellyott and I have a good routine and we are able to spend so much time together. In NS, we spent 2 hours a day in the car and in Cambridge Bay we get to spend those 2 hours playing... it fills my heart. I love being his momma... I am so lucky that he chose me.

I watched the Lovely Bones today and cried and cried... what a frickin' story. I can't even imagine.

Well, Ellyott and I have 4 weeks from today till we start our journey home for Christmas. I am excited! Zoey is going to stay here with my coworker Irene till Dec 28, then she will be with another coworker Sue till we get back Jan 9. I will miss her dearly.

Well, I shall run for now! Take care!

Content

Hello hello!
Its been a couple weeks, so I thought I would write. I think that both Ellyott and I have gotten every single bug/ germ / virus possible over the last 2 months... flus, colds, ear infections, tonsilitis, pink eye... you name it. ARGH... today is a good day. Today (knock on wood) we both seemed to feel good! We went to the Rememberence Day gathering in town today, and played in the snow on our way home... we napped and played for the rest of the day, and NO sign of a running nose, red eyes, stomach ache... etc etc etc, blah blah blah! YAYYYYYYYY! Whop! Whop!

I am enjoying it in Cambridge Bay. I am not finding it very cold - but actually there was only a few days that the temp went below -30, so I guess we have had it pretty easy. Apparently the weather this year is not normal.

My job is going well... somedays I feel like my head is spinning though... I have always had a difficult time trying to wrap my head around policy, and not having real practical policy experience coming into this position is a big eye opening process for me. I was a bit down in the dumps for a while because a plan I thought I had in place about going home, did not work out, so I had to come up with the money to fly E and I home for Christmas time and for an appointment that I have. I got the tickets and a place for our dog Zoey to stay.

I have seen some new beautiful things while here that I want to share. I am also going to get a better camera with a strong lens when we come back to NS in December. I saw a light phenomeon called light poles... when it is -20 or below and there are ice crystals in the air, the lights from the community extend straight up into the sky... so beautiful. No northern lights... perhaps when we stay over in Yellowknife when we are on our way home.

Well take care all and I will write soon!