Courage

So I have been thinking a lot since coming to Nunavut... there is one major issue that I found I need to work on... courage. I hope that my time in the North will change my self-opinion to include courage, strength, and a realistic understanding of my self worth... Heavy stuff eh? I guess that while I am writing this, I am also realizing that I need to explain it to myself, so that I can better understand it. So here is an example. I have a crush and I could never ever tell them that I have a crush... for many reasons. There are some pretty obvious reasons and then there are other reasons. One of which is that I am afraid that they will only see my outside. I am a big big girl. I am sad about this, have come to an understanding of how it happened, and am taking all the right steps for dieting, exercize and positive reinforcement... I have made some big changes since coming to NU and know there are more to come... when I come back to NS in the summer LOOKOUTTTTT! I will be a hot tamalie! However, I also don't want to be a skinny girl that people just want to know, just because of what I am on the outside. So I am in conflict with myself. I want to be loved as I am, but would never have the courage to put myself out there with the way I am right now. I have almost told my crush that I am crushing a couple times, but always ALWAYS chicken out. I feel like a stupid teenager.
I have spent much of my life loving people who don't want to be loved or who can not handle how intensely I love. I am not crazy in a relationship, but I am also not afraid to share my heart with a partner. I listen to a lot of music and find comfort and hope and sadness all entrenched in the words of the songs... like "can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt. Or beautiful songs of love and the hope for love, like "ready for love" by india.arie or Boyz 2 Men songs... I kinda got off track here talking about music, but the point I am trying to explain to myself is that I don't think that I deserve to be with someone who I idealize in my mind. My crush is so perfect. So funny. So attractive. So passionate. So brave. Why is it that I feel that I am not good enough??? WHY? I have a great career, an amazing child, I am a good friend and good daughter / sister and auntie. I am passionate and a good listener. I can be very romantic and am always loving.
I see the major disconnect in my courage. I have let things railroad me for a long long time and somewhere along the way I lost my courage. I want it back. I am starting out in this process, but find myself extremely frustrated already with how slow change happens - even if I make 100 little changes, it will take a long time to feel the impact... I know I want to reach my end goal of finding my courage... however, in the mean time I continue to dream. I dream out how things would happen, what I would say, what the other would say and how much it would make me cry to feel their arms around me and how safe I would feel if they felt the same about me. Someday I will feel this way, maybe not with my crush, but with someone who is as spectacular.

Christmas Bazaar

Yesterday was the Christmas Bazaar in Cambridge Bay. It was great! I got a few special things for some special people! There was a beautiful pair of beaver skin mitts, that were dyed different colors. The fit perfectly and were soooo cozy. However, they were 200.00... so I didn't buy them. I am regretful now... I wish I did!

So this week the temperature is going to go wayyyy down... it has been very warm here in comparison to what it has been in previous years... makes me sad to think that global warming is having such an impact and no one realizes the damage to the North :(

I have been meeting lots of new people and am on the Board of Directors for Ellyott's daycare. I am starting to make some great new friends and cook a lot of meals for people! I love to cook and to entertain! Ellyott and I have a good routine and we are able to spend so much time together. In NS, we spent 2 hours a day in the car and in Cambridge Bay we get to spend those 2 hours playing... it fills my heart. I love being his momma... I am so lucky that he chose me.

I watched the Lovely Bones today and cried and cried... what a frickin' story. I can't even imagine.

Well, Ellyott and I have 4 weeks from today till we start our journey home for Christmas. I am excited! Zoey is going to stay here with my coworker Irene till Dec 28, then she will be with another coworker Sue till we get back Jan 9. I will miss her dearly.

Well, I shall run for now! Take care!

Content

Hello hello!
Its been a couple weeks, so I thought I would write. I think that both Ellyott and I have gotten every single bug/ germ / virus possible over the last 2 months... flus, colds, ear infections, tonsilitis, pink eye... you name it. ARGH... today is a good day. Today (knock on wood) we both seemed to feel good! We went to the Rememberence Day gathering in town today, and played in the snow on our way home... we napped and played for the rest of the day, and NO sign of a running nose, red eyes, stomach ache... etc etc etc, blah blah blah! YAYYYYYYYY! Whop! Whop!

I am enjoying it in Cambridge Bay. I am not finding it very cold - but actually there was only a few days that the temp went below -30, so I guess we have had it pretty easy. Apparently the weather this year is not normal.

My job is going well... somedays I feel like my head is spinning though... I have always had a difficult time trying to wrap my head around policy, and not having real practical policy experience coming into this position is a big eye opening process for me. I was a bit down in the dumps for a while because a plan I thought I had in place about going home, did not work out, so I had to come up with the money to fly E and I home for Christmas time and for an appointment that I have. I got the tickets and a place for our dog Zoey to stay.

I have seen some new beautiful things while here that I want to share. I am also going to get a better camera with a strong lens when we come back to NS in December. I saw a light phenomeon called light poles... when it is -20 or below and there are ice crystals in the air, the lights from the community extend straight up into the sky... so beautiful. No northern lights... perhaps when we stay over in Yellowknife when we are on our way home.

Well take care all and I will write soon!

Loss for words...

Okay, I have not been a good blogger at all. Between parenting, my job, and trying to unpack everything - successfully, by the way and organizing - still ongoing, I jsut have not been writing.

We have had lots of snow and then some slush, then it froze and we had a blizzard, then it got a bit sunny and then we got a few dustings... which means that though it looks like snow, it is ICEEEEE! Trust me, I ended up on my ass 3 times in 2 hours. - one of which was terrible falling down my stairs.

I got the flu at the end of last week and now am on day 3 - almost 4, of no voice.... this SUCKS with a 2 year old who is currently testing boundaries.... in a big way...

I have been talking to many people, reading lots of documents and watching for local to Nunavut news.... I am very sad about the recent events in Cape Dorset. It truly stikes me as knowing how close people are in my community, that Cape Dorset is going to be affected by these events for many years to come...

I promise that I will start to write more often!!! PS - if anyone wants to see pics of Cam Bay, let me know and I will post some or give a link to my FB page.

Take care!

Reflections...

Hello!
So, we have been in Cambridge Bay for over 5 weeks now and have had some great and some not so great adventures...
Great adventures:
the plane, feeling proud of myself, starting a great job with super potential for my career, exploring the North - Mount Pelly, going out on the land with a coworker and her family, seeing the beauty of the North, meeting really great people, and learning many new life foundations - i.e. taking the long view...
Not so great adventures:
Ellyott hating the daycare, him having a very sore belly for 4 weeks, him getting a double ear infection and tonsilitis, my bed, couch and TV gone missing (have the bed now, couch is in Cambridge Bay but has not been delievered and the TV... well no one has any idea where that is) and I fell yesterday 3 times...1. in front of the daycare and a bunch of roofers, 2. up my stairs carrying E's wagon inside, and 3. the worst one, falling down 6 stairs while taking my dog out for a walk... ouch - sprained finger, sore ribs, bum and leg.

Apparently I may be able to go out on duty travel to explore some programs in Clyde River and I am soooo excited! I am going to learn so much! Either Ellyott's daddy or grandma may come to Cam Bay to stay with E while I go... all up in the air now, but firm details are coming in the next week or so! I can't wait to get going on this job... yay!

I am getting a parka through a friend I have never met... LOL! Thanks Susan for introducing me to Tara! I am getting a great deal, so I am happy.

So every night, I scour the sky looking for northern lights and some people say we are too far North, and others say they come in November... So I will keep my eyes open and fingers crossed! I feel that we are settled in now and am content. I have started really thinking about my life, the choices I have made, and the choices I want to make for my future... this North adventure is giving me lots of time to reflect and I think that it was long overdue!

Settling in...

Yay! I got my things aka "personal effects" on Monday. I am done unpacking and am organizing. I was hoping to get everything done and cleaned this weekend, but my little guy has a double ear infection - so, organizing and cleaning is on the back burner. They had lost my bed, my couch and my brand new flat screen TV. I got my bed Friday, my couch is in Yellowknife and will come when there is room on the plane and my TV, well no one seems to know where that is. Sniffles. I checked the price of the same TV here and it is 1400.00!!!!!!! OKay, no way on that one. The cheapest TV here is 600.00, so I guess I am going to do without...

I am loving my job - though I am not sure how I am going to learn everything. I have never done policy and standards before because I have always worked front line. I must say that I do miss the front line work - seeing how people learn and change has always been fascinating. I have been thinking alot lately about my life and wondering why sometimes I am not good at saying things. I can advocate for clients with lots of energy and passion, but when it comes to me saying something in my heart... thats another story. How did I get so complicated??? I listen well when Elders speak and the philosophy of truth from the heart has made me start to wonder why I can't say certain things... what is holding me back? Why am I afraid that others won't see me as I am? I know the answer to the last question, but I'll leave that for another day!

On to happier things, I am still on my quest to see the Northern lights... either the sky was clear and it wasn't cold enough, or it has been cold by cloudy, foggy or snowing. I have been looking at some other bloggers pics of the lights and I am soooo envious. Maybe I need to get a babysitter for late at night and go walk out of town a bit... perhaps I'd be more lucky then!

Well, should go for now, but will write again soon!

We're here!

Okay, so I have not been a good blogger since I have been here, but I am writing tonight! We have been here for 2 weeks and almost 3 days. We are doing relatavly well, except the following:
1. Ellyott is crying alot at his daycare - probably getting used to so many more kids - at his dayhome, there were only 6.
2. The first week and a half, he had a tummy flu and now I have it.
3. Which is probably number one, our things are not here yet. They were supposed to come on August 30, but here we are at September 16 and NOTHING....
4. I am stressed about money because I have not gotten paid and I have had to spend TONNES of money on diapers as again, they are in my shipment
5. I do not have my warm clothes either, and capris and sandals are not cutting it in the snow. Seriously!
So, I have learned an important lesson about the North... here goes...

DO NOT BELIEVE ANYONE FROM THE SOUTH WHO SAYS YOUR THINGS WILL ARRIVE IN THE NORTH WITHIN 4 WEEKS.... THAT IS A BUNCH OF BALONEY!!!! PACK LOTS OF WINDER CLOTHES, DISHES, SILLY THINGS LIKE A STRAINER AND FINGERNAIL CLIPPERS, BECAUSE YOU WILL SUFFER OTHERWISE!

Okay, so now that is off of my mind and I can share some wonderful things. I went on a walk for suicide awareness day with the community who chanted "Embrace Life". It was amazing to see how a community, so very intimately affected by suicide, gathered so closely for something so special!

We went out with a co-worker to her family cabin "out on the land" and it was a huge honor to spend time with her and her parents, who are 1st generation Inuit. It was an experience that I will hold true to my heart forever.

We are finishing up our orientation tomorrow, during with time I met the Assistant Deputy Minister. She attended our week long orientation. We met with 2 Elders and went through PILES AND PILES of documents. This is going to be a great job - hard, busy, and challenging, but honestly, I don't think I would get this experience at home. I am honored.

I also ordered food mail for the first time, which was supposed to come in Tuesday - but planes were cancelled as it was too foggy here for them to land. It did not arrive today, so I do hope it comes before it all spoils!!!!!!!

I have put lots of pics on my Facebook page and will continue to add more. One thing I want to say is that there are soooo many employment positions here that are not filled, if you want to come up North, it would be an enriching experience and you should seriously consider it. I learned on my first day here that the Inuit have a motto. The motto is as follows...

Regardless of your life situation is - no food, no money, bad health, relationship problems etc... we wake up everyday with a smile, and continue that smile throughout the day and that smile warms others as well as our own hearts... magnificient!